I know God is good but sometimes it takes seeing Him in my own life to remember just how good. I am a person who struggles with anxiety. I'm a worrier. I can't count the number of times I've prayed for the peace of God in my life. I'm constantly struggling with handing over my concerns to God and then not worrying about them anymore. And right now we have one of the first big worrisome steps to our adoption coming up and I have a real peace about it.
This Friday we have our home visit for our home study. For those of you who don't know a social worker will come to our house and do a couple of things. First of all they have to tour the home to make sure it adheres to safety standards and there is ample room for a child. Secondly they have to interview us together and separately and ask us a bunch of personal, invasive questions.
According to my track record I should be worried about cleaning the house enough. I expected my thoughts to go like this: Should I steam clean the carpet? When did I last clean the washing machine? Is she going to check under our bed? Is she going to think us unfit for the bottle of wine in the fridge? Will I say something that makes me sound like an unfit mother? Will my past struggle with depression keep me from being able to adopt?
But that's not how I feel. And honestly I really feel like Satan is trying to rattle me good this week. And I'm not taking the bait. On Tuesday we picked up my car from the shop, I had a minor fender bender in Dec (not my fault) and it had to have a door replaced. After all the paperwork and inspection was done, I got into the care and it wouldn't start....dead battery. We got it started, I drove it home I loaded up my little Vibe with bags of Goodwill donations (this is what nesting looks like to an adoptive mother) and then the car wouldn't start. Ok, Adam said he could fix it when he got home, that's fine. So I decided to get a jump on tidying up for Friday, I turn on my vacuum and it lets out a terrifying high pitched scream, It's no longer working. Alrighty then.
Can't go anywhere, can only do some of the cleaning. As it turns out Adam ordered a new part for the vacuum and it should be here Thursday, but if it's not I don't think I care. I vacuum once a week so the house isn't a huge mess. I will dust it and clean it, and if God allows I'll vacuum it.
There is one thing keeping me at peace and it can only be God. I believe God has given us a heart for adoption. There is nothing I can do that will keep God's plan for our life from coming to fruition. If something goes wrong with this home study or it takes us longer than I'd like to be matched with a child, or if the first mother who chooses us ends up changes her mind God will be with us. I've never had more clarity that we're on the right path, then I do right now. I don't know how this is going to all look, or where this path bends, but God does and all we keep praying is that he'll just show us the next step. And he has been so faithful.
I hope wherever you are in life you learn to trust God. And that's coming from someone who has wasted so much time trying to trust my own abilities over God's.
God Bless (and if you should think about us on Friday, say a prayer, we'd really appreciate it)